Forgiveness - Songs of Solomon

C. S. Lewis said “Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea until they have something to forgive.”

Forgiveness is an important virtue that we often struggle with. Forgiveness is also a pre-requisite for healing. We hear a lot of sermons about forgiveness, especially during Lent. So, let’s evaluate ourselves with a few questions/statements and see where we stand:

Are you someone who has suffered emotionally, and perhaps physically at the hands of others?
Have emotions such as anger, resentment, hate, hostility, bitterness and revenge entered your heart and mind? Have you become filled with an unforgiving spirit?
Do you find forgiveness one of the hardest things to do – especially after someone has hurt or disappointed you?
In your heart, you want to forgive them – but in your head you keep re-enacting the words or the event which have wounded you.
Instead of moving on, you become stuck in your own stubbornness.
You hold on to your bitterness and cradle your anger.
You know that it would be better for you physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually to let it go, but before you do, you just want to nurse it a little while longer.

I believe many of you answered yes to one or more of these questions (I did). So, let’s have a quick overview of Forgiveness and see how it’s relates to Jesus on the Cross.

Let’s discuss the following topics:

What is forgiveness?
Why should you forgive?
When should you forgive?
Can you forgive without an apology? Do you always have to reconcile?
What if you don’t forgive?
How should you forgive?
Comparison with Jesus’ forgiveness on the cross

Before we start, let’s remind ourselves a couple of Bible verses about forgiveness:

“And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive them that trespass against us” – Matthew 6:12

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” – Ephesians 4:32

Let’s start with the basics first.

What is forgiveness?

Give up the intent to take revenge or get even. Forsake vengeance.
Forgiveness is not approving or excusing what someone did, and it’s not necessarily reconciling with the person who caused the injury.
It’s not pretending you aren’t hurt and it is not forgetting what happened.

Why should you forgive?

We are called to forgive others because God first forgave us! Forgiven people are forgiving people.
To have a cleansed conscience, for a sense of peace, of rest with God and man.
To remove the emotional clutter in our life that takes a very deadly toll.
Forgiveness keeps us enjoying unbroken fellowship with the Father and with the Son.
It gives you peace that transcends all understanding.
If you’re a believer, seeking and giving forgiveness are not options, but commandments. Matthew 6:15; Mark 11:25.

What if you don’t forgive?

When an unforgiving spirit lives inside you, it isn’t bothering those who have wronged you.
They’ve gone on their way. But you are still holding onto something that has taken control of your thoughts, actions and words.
It eats away at you like a poisonous cancer, and you find yourself bound, with no peace.
In reality, you are punishing yourself.
As long as you continue to focus on the person who has hurt you, that person controls you.
If you don’t release your offender, you will begin to resemble your offender.

When should you forgive?

Every time you go to the altar – “First be reconciled with your brother, then come and offer your gift at the altar.” Matthew 5:24

Everyday. This is very important within the family – “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger” – Ephesians 4:26

Just like physical injuries, emotional scars exist as well, even after forgiveness.
Over time, the scar’s prominence fades, but if the scar is bumped, the pain returns.
For that reason, we should also understand that forgiveness is not a one-time thing.
You may have to forgive a person over and over again until you feel relief.

Can you forgive without an apology? Do you always have to reconcile?

Genuine forgiveness and reconciliation are two-person transactions that are enabled by apologies. If we confess our sins, God will forgive our sins. 1 John 1:9
Forgiveness without an apology is often encouraged for the benefit of the forgiver rather than the benefit of the offender.
Such forgiveness does not lead to reconciliation and can include goodbye.
For example, if the offense was created by an unknown person such as a murderer, there is no relationship to be restored. If they have apologized and you have forgiven, each of you is free to go on living your lives, although the offender will still face the judicial system.
When we apologize, we accept responsibility for our behavior, seeking to make amends with the person who was offended.
Genuine apology opens the door to the possibility of forgiveness and reconciliation.
Without apology, the offense sits as a barrier, and the quality of the relationship is diminished.
Good relationships are always marked by a willingness to apologize, forgive and reconcile.
Do you owe someone an apology and is your pride or ego stopping you?

Now that we’ve covered the basics, let’s get to the main topic (and the most difficult one)

How do you forgive?

Let’s discuss 3 methods for forgiveness starting with the simple one.

First method:
- I want you to take some time to write down the names of people who have hurt or wronged you that you may not have fully forgiven.
- Beside those names, write the word “Forgiven” one by one, beside each name as you pray and release your anger, hurt, and bitterness to God.
- Once you have done that, rip that paper up and throw it away to signify that you are free from the unforgiveness that was in your heart.

Second method: Here’s a four-part process that we should walk through as we’re dealing with pain brought upon by others.
1. Recognize no one is perfect: When we hate somebody, we tend to lose our perspective about that person. When we’re filled with resentment and bitterness and hurt, we tend to dehumanize the offender. We treat that person like an animal.
2. Relinquish your right to get even: This is the heart of forgiveness. The Bible says, “Never avenge yourselves. Leave that to God, for he has said that he will repay those who deserve it.” (Romans 12:19 ) You deserve to retaliate, but you must commit not to do so. It’s not fair, but it’s healthy. This isn’t a one-time decision but a daily one that may even require moment-by-moment decisions
3. Respond to evil with good: This is how you know you’ve fully released someone from the wrong that has been committed against you. Humanly speaking, it’s nearly impossible to respond to evil with good. You’ll need God’s help. You’ll need the love of Jesus to fill you up. Why? God’s love doesn’t keep track of wrongs. 1 Corinthians 13
4. Refocus on God’s plan for your life: You stop focusing on the hurt and the person who hurt you. Instead, you refocus on God’s purpose for your life, which is greater than any problem or pain you might be currently facing. So don’t sit another day in your resentment.
Third method: And finally, here are the 4 steps. It is best to do the Four Steps in writing till you get some experience:
1. State who you want to forgive and for what.
2. Acknowledge how you currently feel about the situation. This is best if it is your honest gut feelings, not the nice, polite or politically correct version.
3. State the benefits you will get from forgiving. This will mainly be the opposite of what you are currently feeling. Sadness will become happiness, anger will become peace, heaviness becomes a feeling of lightness and so on. If you are not sure about the benefits just choose a few general good feelings which you would like to have for now (happier, more at ease, more confident etc).
4. Commit yourself to forgiving. This is simply stating who you intend to forgive and the acknowledging the benefits which come from forgiving.Commit yourself to forgiving. This is simply stating who you intend to forgive and the acknowledging the benefits which come from forgiving.
5. After spending a short time on Step 4 return to Step 1 and work through the steps again.

David did not only spare Saul’s life on many occasions, but after Saul died, he asks in 2 Samuel 9:1, “Is there anyone still left of the house of Saul to whom I can show kindness for Jonathan’s sake?”

Joseph is another example. His brothers intended to leave him for dead before selling him as a slave, but God granted Joseph the power to forgive and a perspective that even in their wrong action, God planned it for good and to save many lives.

Declaration of Release

Now that you have asked God to forgive you, a declaration of release is needed. Release is spoken to the offender, whether they are present or absent, living or dead. It recognizes that our words and actions have bound them and, equally as important, bound us to the offending person. It is often very liberating to speak or write this release to them if we can. With God’s power it can be done.

Because Jesus Christ is my Lord-
I free you from my judgments and sinful responses.
I give you back to God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
I place you at God’s throne of grace.
I want my heart to be free by His power.
I entrust you to God for Him to work in you and in me in His time and in His way.
I choose to see you as God sees you.
I bless you to be all God called you to be.
I will continue to ask for His love for you.
I cannot impose my will or expectations upon you, so I place all my expectations on the cross of Jesus.
I know that God has good plans and purposes for each of us.
I release you. I give you entirely to God.
I loose you and let you go.

We are both free!

How does our forgiveness relate to Jesus on the cross?

We humans make mistakes which result in someone getting hurt and we still struggle to forgive but Jesus who was blameless was sent to die on the cross for our sins. “God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God” 2 Cor 5: 21 This is what we call Agape love. Sacrificial love. Selfless love. Jesus says in Matthew 6:15 “But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins”

Without forgiveness of sins:

We cannot enter the kingdom of God.
We don’t benefit from the supreme sacrifice that Jesus made on the cross.
Good Friday and Easter does not have any significance in our lives. Its just another weekend.

Prayer:

Lord Jesus, thank You for forgiving our past sins and mistakes. Forgive me for bearing a grudge toward the person who has wronged me. Help us to regain our spiritual strength by applying Your grace and forgiveness to those who have hurt or disappointed us. Come into my heart, take control of my life. Cleanse me of this unforgiving spirit, and fill me with a forgiving spirit. I release all of the unforgiveness and bitterness that is in my heart towards those who have hurt me. Help me to love my enemies, and pray for those who hurt me. In Your Holy Name, we humbly pray. Amen.”

Note: Those who are struggling to forgive due to long term conflicts, please read my article on resolving conflicts.

Credits: This article was summarized from the Lenten series (Lenten Lessons) by Rev. Paulraj Athisayamoni